Dear Diary, April 16.10 Confession

WOW, so it's been a month since i've last written anything! what a shame right?

so much has happend since i've last written. But for now i would like to focus on something that has bothering me for a while (a month to be exact). OK so here goes...they say that when you truly decide to accept god into your life, the enemy is going to come at you even harder right?

well for this past month i've never felt so terribly defiable, hopeless, useless and lost in my life.
everytime i sit down to pray or read a scripture, I feel this heavy burden on me, forcing me to sleep.
ITS RIDICULOUS!! and for some reason i just feel so aggitated and a heavy spirit of lust falling on me.
i'm having dreams of killing an ex friend and as hard as I try, my school work is going no where!

AND THIS IS THE FUNNY PART, i've been a christian for 18 years now.

as much as i want to be it, i don't feel it. I know he is real and all, i've seen his works. But personally I feel so undeserving of him, I feel like he is looking at me saying "you know kady you've known of me for 18 years, i've shown you my mercy, my grace, my severity and yet you still decide to go down the same path" and when thoughts like these presents itself, I just get harder on myself and start believing that maybe i just wasn't meant to be this strong woman of God that everyone keeps telling me i am going to be. UGHHHH!!!!



BUT THEN IT HIT ME...to get to this place with God that I am yearning for, I first have to go through all these testings and trials. Its like the "hot stove story" you know when something is told to you, but you truly don't understand it until you've experienced it yourself?? well I guess I can say I truly understand.
even though this is a hard time for me, I think that I just need to keep believing in God and trusting him that he will keep holding on to me, no matter how far down I am on this path that I have choosen.


-K.Benjamin <3