Well i cant really explain what I am feeling right now. My boyfriend and I for four months today, are no longer together. The reason?...I'm christian, he is not. To some this might make sense and to the rest of you, this may just be the stupidest thing you have heard...So let me break it down.
Four months ago I was single and content but still lacked a companion. I have had a few crushes and of course I have never acted on them. So one day on a school trip, V ( one of my former crushes) revealed to me that he found me attractive. So I did what any other crush-struck girl would do...I entertained him.
So by now you may be thinking ...OK? so what? you acted on your emotions. You are correct, I did... but this is what the Bible tells me about that.
...those who are living the life of the flesh [catering to the appetites and impulses of their carnal nature] cannot please or satisfy God, or be acceptable to Him. Romans 8:8
Although I felt loved and cared for and although we shared some really intimate moments and although I felt and still do feel like he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the truth is, it is all just emotions... UGH!! to be honest I do not really want to talk about this. It is just making me wish that somehow things were different and we worked things out. All I know is that I really love this guy and so does God. For now, the only thing I can do is pray. Pray that V accepts God into his life, pray that God understands how much I love him and pray that God miraculously reunites us in the future. If not then I guess it was just another lesson learned WITHIN A LIFETIME!
-Love Kades
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Monday, May 24, 2010
Dear Diary, March 15.10
ugh! don't you just hate it when you wake up so early in the morning like you've made plans, when in fact you really have nothing to do for the day!? :(
WELL I DO. it just means that i have that much more time to waste wondering what to do for the day.ANYWHOO let us start!
so hier (yesterday) my brother introduced me to a song by John Legend called This Time. O.M FRICKEN.G!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0Rcto6ZRss&NR=1
As the music lover that i is? (lol) this song deff puts the icing on my adele, maroon 5, Gabe bondoc, Kings of leon, Jason Mraz, Colbie caillat cake! there's something about his songs that just calms me down, its so earthy! 'This Time' is about a relationship where the male finally comes to his senses and realizes that his true love has been with him all along, so 'this time' he'll be a man and commit all his cards to their relationship.JEEWIZZ!! I just wish all boys would become men sooner than later. If i had someone relatively close to a man, oh boy! :) LOL moving on...
SOOOO ROX, had the car yesterday and decided to pull a mission to pick me up, chill with Eddy&Sophia and have the car back in time to pick up her sister... CAN YOU SAY FAIL? LOL
by the time she came around to get me, we had to go back to mcd to get rosie :( lol
BUT HAVE NO SORROW.. we ended up driving to Vaughn Mills (GOD I HOPE AI SPELT 'VAUGHN' RIGHT).
Once we got there, we decided to go check out the pet store CAN YOU SAY KA-YUTE!!!!
i saw a maltese that looked exactly like curtis!! (my cousin's ex puppy) ... BUT THAT'S WHERE MY HAPPINESS ENDED.
As you know I have a huge phobia of snakes ughhhhh****!!!!@$@%# and of course they'd be selling snakes in a pet store, so i decided to move away. EDDYYY decided that it would be fun to scare the living **** out of me. He took up a piece of rope (or something like that), brought it up to my face and said "Kady, LOOK!!"
LET ME TELL THAT I'VE NEVER SCREAMED AND JUMPED INTO THE ARMS OF SOMEONE SO QUICKLY!!(p.s sorry Roxyy) LOL i thought that somehow a snake got out and eddy got a hold of it :'(
PPS. Roxy we really need to get those mirrors... sometimes I feel like i'm a black girl, But i just can't accept that ridiculous fate, eww nigros LMAOOO (insidy joke) :P
anywayss i'm hungry time for breakfast!!
xoxo
-KadyLady <3
Dear Diary, April 16.10 Confession
WOW, so it's been a month since i've last written anything! what a shame right?
so much has happend since i've last written. But for now i would like to focus on something that has bothering me for a while (a month to be exact). OK so here goes...they say that when you truly decide to accept god into your life, the enemy is going to come at you even harder right?
well for this past month i've never felt so terribly defiable, hopeless, useless and lost in my life.
everytime i sit down to pray or read a scripture, I feel this heavy burden on me, forcing me to sleep.
ITS RIDICULOUS!! and for some reason i just feel so aggitated and a heavy spirit of lust falling on me.
i'm having dreams of killing an ex friend and as hard as I try, my school work is going no where!
AND THIS IS THE FUNNY PART, i've been a christian for 18 years now.
as much as i want to be it, i don't feel it. I know he is real and all, i've seen his works. But personally I feel so undeserving of him, I feel like he is looking at me saying "you know kady you've known of me for 18 years, i've shown you my mercy, my grace, my severity and yet you still decide to go down the same path" and when thoughts like these presents itself, I just get harder on myself and start believing that maybe i just wasn't meant to be this strong woman of God that everyone keeps telling me i am going to be. UGHHHH!!!!
BUT THEN IT HIT ME...to get to this place with God that I am yearning for, I first have to go through all these testings and trials. Its like the "hot stove story" you know when something is told to you, but you truly don't understand it until you've experienced it yourself?? well I guess I can say I truly understand.
even though this is a hard time for me, I think that I just need to keep believing in God and trusting him that he will keep holding on to me, no matter how far down I am on this path that I have choosen.
-K.Benjamin <3
so much has happend since i've last written. But for now i would like to focus on something that has bothering me for a while (a month to be exact). OK so here goes...they say that when you truly decide to accept god into your life, the enemy is going to come at you even harder right?
well for this past month i've never felt so terribly defiable, hopeless, useless and lost in my life.
everytime i sit down to pray or read a scripture, I feel this heavy burden on me, forcing me to sleep.
ITS RIDICULOUS!! and for some reason i just feel so aggitated and a heavy spirit of lust falling on me.
i'm having dreams of killing an ex friend and as hard as I try, my school work is going no where!
AND THIS IS THE FUNNY PART, i've been a christian for 18 years now.
as much as i want to be it, i don't feel it. I know he is real and all, i've seen his works. But personally I feel so undeserving of him, I feel like he is looking at me saying "you know kady you've known of me for 18 years, i've shown you my mercy, my grace, my severity and yet you still decide to go down the same path" and when thoughts like these presents itself, I just get harder on myself and start believing that maybe i just wasn't meant to be this strong woman of God that everyone keeps telling me i am going to be. UGHHHH!!!!
BUT THEN IT HIT ME...to get to this place with God that I am yearning for, I first have to go through all these testings and trials. Its like the "hot stove story" you know when something is told to you, but you truly don't understand it until you've experienced it yourself?? well I guess I can say I truly understand.
even though this is a hard time for me, I think that I just need to keep believing in God and trusting him that he will keep holding on to me, no matter how far down I am on this path that I have choosen.
-K.Benjamin <3
Abandoned much?
Wow so it's been a while since i've last posted anything...so in that case, i'm going to add a bunch of my diary entries from my facebook account to make it look like i'm actually up to date with this blog. I PROMISE this will not happen again, I do solemnly swear. With that being said lets start from the most recent ones shall we?
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Just another "Golden" Perspective: Dreams
So umm..i had another dream, A nightmare actually. I was being shot at, AGAIN.
The weird thing this time was that i didn't DIE.
I actually got the courage somehow to jump on the back of the attacker and stab him in his throat.
When he fell to the ground i kept stabbing him, hoping he would die but he didn't, until i stabbed him in his heart. It was like his off switch, because he stopped moving instantly. Just as i started walking away i turned around i saw a bullet coming towards my heart...but before it got there i woke up.
Now every couple of months i keep having these dreams. =s
and everytime i end up dying, this time i didn't...
WHY?
Why was "the heart" the highlight of my dream and not death? Or maybe it's a message...am i unconsciencely stabbing someone in their heart? and now in some form or fashion karma's coming back to get me?
Honestly i'm not sure...
I have a boyfriend and he's one of the best thingsto ever happen to me. And i don't think i could be stabbing him in the heart.
I have a brother and at times i treat him like crap but at the end of the day he knows that i would be hopeless without him.
I've found a crazy group of girls that i can call friends, and i know that i could never jeopardize that.
SO..if everything seems to be okay in ones life, why do our dreams tell us otherwise?
PeaceloveRespect
The weird thing this time was that i didn't DIE.
I actually got the courage somehow to jump on the back of the attacker and stab him in his throat.
When he fell to the ground i kept stabbing him, hoping he would die but he didn't, until i stabbed him in his heart. It was like his off switch, because he stopped moving instantly. Just as i started walking away i turned around i saw a bullet coming towards my heart...but before it got there i woke up.
Now every couple of months i keep having these dreams. =s
and everytime i end up dying, this time i didn't...
WHY?
Why was "the heart" the highlight of my dream and not death? Or maybe it's a message...am i unconsciencely stabbing someone in their heart? and now in some form or fashion karma's coming back to get me?
Honestly i'm not sure...
I have a boyfriend and he's one of the best thingsto ever happen to me. And i don't think i could be stabbing him in the heart.
I have a brother and at times i treat him like crap but at the end of the day he knows that i would be hopeless without him.
I've found a crazy group of girls that i can call friends, and i know that i could never jeopardize that.
SO..if everything seems to be okay in ones life, why do our dreams tell us otherwise?
PeaceloveRespect
Just another "Golden" perspective: When is it ever the right time?
At 8:23 - i was thinking about you and me, wondering how good we could be, only if he could see me..
At 8:24 - you had me sitting here, wanting you more. missing you wishing you would notice..
At 8:25 - how my spirit hungered and drived for your hugs, above all else your love.
At 8:26 - you left for work, how it hurt, to know that you haven't even said...
At 8:27 - i held my head in sorrow, maybe tommorow will be better maybe he'll...
At 8:28 - it was too late, why did i wait?
At 8:29 - he should've been mine, but I ran out of time.
A friend of mine has a boyfriend, she told me that in the beginning everything was perfect...
but now they seem to be drifting apart. She wanted to confront him about her disposition but was to afraid of what would happen next.
SO, she kept quiet and acted like nothing was wrong, waiting for him to get a clue. sadly she waited too long and he moved on.
In relationships it takes both parties to make it work. if you have a problem, shouldn't
you be the one to address it?
Waiting for it to disappear won't happen unless you make it happen.
AND
Waiting for the right time to come will never come unless you turn your own clock. Right?
PeaceLoveRespect
Just another "Golden" perspective: The Right Brothas
So one morning i woke up and for some reason the concept of finding the right boy came to me. So i wrote about how i felt about it. ENJOY!
Where are all the fine young brothas? Who can stimulate me? Intellectually not sexually
Make love to me with their words, conversations making sense.
Where are all the fine young brothas? That I can d-e-p-e-n-d on, yet stays strong,
I-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t-l-y, no lie you see I’m a women who needs TLC, with no HIV’s,
you feel me?
Where did all my fine young brothas go? Who loved to show the glow in their eyes when reading a book? No care for gangs, violence or video games, knowing their real aim,
in becoming someone, something in life.Women aren’t right?
NOW LADIES!
Why are we settling for less, when we deserve the best?Are we that restless?
That we don’t respect and accept our own standards?
Instead of waiting for a proper man, we take the first ones in a gang.
I am your conscience; have patience the right one will come along
All you have to do is wait and stay strong.
PeaceLoveRespect
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